Are you afraid of the dark?

I’m not referring to monsters in the closet, keep a night light on so you can go to sleep type of dark … Or walk into a room and you can’t see anything type of dark, so you get nervous from the thought of something/someone grabbing you.

I’m asking are you afraid of the mental dark place, this place where you mind wanders the minute things don’t go as planned? When you begin to doubt your ability to do something. When you feel neglected by a loved one, rejected for whatever reason then you begin to spiral. Maybe that wasn’t dark enough, bet … the dark place where you contemplate if that pill bottle will be a relief, considering how many pills will it take for you not to come back to reality. If swerving the car off the road may be an instant answer to your unresolved issues, anxiety is high your adrenaline is rushing so you probably won’t feel anything. Digging your nails into your skin, as you’re hyperventilating from a panic attack because the bare thought of being within your own body is unbearable, thinking there’s no way you can get through another minute of your life.

My reality, came from pure darkness, to survival mode to, “Oh is that light at the end of the tunnel (quick excitement) but wait where’s the end of the tunnel?”. I’ve been walking for awhile … I’m bleeding (literally and figuratively), I’m dehydrated, I’m starving, this journey is costing me relationships, money, my mental state, my basic needs … I have nothing else to freaking give. If I hear one more time, “You’ll be fine”, “You’re a strong woman”, “Pray yourself through”, … like if you could see my mental/heart pain you wouldn’t be quick to provide casual advice. I absolutely can’t stay in this darkness anymore because that light I thought I saw yesterday, I don’t see it today and I’m ready to call it quits on life.

Yeaaaa that darkness is a scary place … and it slowly creeps up on you until it’s becomes an unwanted roommate you’re living with. It’s easy to say, “That can’t be me”, until it is you. Life happens and the way we thought we’d respond to certain things we sometimes don’t. It’s upsetting to not see breakthroughs, it’s frustrating to be stuck, and it’s disappointing to know you should have walked away but you stayed. People who don’t know you, and sometimes those that do know you, judge you and talk about you. I’m sorry but it doesn’t matter how strong you are, when you’re at a low point and people speak ill on you, that junk hurts (I mean people get hurt when their new selfie doesn’t get that many likes).

I titled this post originally many different names, referring to darkness and then I realized it wasn’t a light I saw at the end of the tunnel, it was fire. The flames were hot and ready to burn off the things I had been carrying through the darkness. The flames were burning away at My Disappointment, the reality of who I thought I would be and who I actually was. This standard I had set for myself left no room for grace. My Pain, from disappointment led to an evolving trust issue, choosing the wrong people to get close. My Mother’s Battle with Cancer, not knowing how to rebuild a relationship with the woman who birth me in the mist of her pain. Not being able to just really talk to her about the struggles I was facing as a woman and how sad her diagnosis made me feel. My Doubt, that I had come so far in sin that I would never be better or amount to anything in the kingdom of God. I would not see the fulfillment of my purpose and I missed my window of opportunity. My Anger, wanting to see others pay for what they said and did to me, upset with myself for my decisions. My Mental Health, many times contemplating if I should continue to live, shrinking back in areas I once excelled in. My Stability, ruining the possibility to live in a stable environment, not coming home to something that belongs to me. My Finances, blowing through savings every time to sustain when I was out of work or to live.  My Purity, starting and stopping again, getting to a point where I honestly just didn’t care anymore. Dealing with the fact that I stopped believing God really cared about my sacrifices, so I didn’t either. My Career, knowing that a 9-5 is great but I also have aspirations to go beyond those borders and I was still sitting on it. And most importantly, My Innocence, stripped away at young age not by my choice but as an adult experiencing the aftermath of unhealed wounds. Allowing the enemy to rob me of my energy, time and heart.

For each and every situation (even those not mentioned above) and thoughts, it required time in the darkness to acknowledge the problem, call it out and then time to go through the fire until it became ashes. For every dead weight that dropped into the fire, I still had to bare the rest until one by one the load began to be bearable. I had to grieve and mourn my losses, as things left my life and my way of thinking. The longer the situation, the more grieving I had to do. I sit here at 29 saying to those my age, younger and even older, there is absolutely NO age requirement of surrendering, there is no running from it either. If death, hell and the grave could not defeat you, there will come a time(s) when you will absolutely fall before God and sincerely ask for him to just have his way and take the pain away. I am not talking about a situation, but numerous back to back blows, one after the next. The things I lost in the fire, have been life altering. They have taught me lessons I wish I never had to learn. I absolutely have no idea how I made it through 2019 and how I am even still alive to write this. I have no idea why God thinks that much of me to keep me here. Why did he choose to rescue me? I was not aware of the pure darkness I had to encounter in order to be purified and rededicate my heart/life back to Christ. 

So to end this post, I do not have a step plan to follow. I do not have advice for the person experiencing something similar or about to (JUST DON’T GIVE UP). What I can say is, you are loved deeply by God. He knows exactly who to bring on your path to encourage you (THANK YOU TO MY TRIBE). He knows how much you can handle (YOU’RE BUILT TO WITHSTAND MORE THAN YOU KNOW). He knows how to bring together even your worst mistake full circle for the greater good of your life. I am still standing on the promises of God for my life. I am not completely on the other side, but I am not where I was last year. I do believe by faith my ladder days will be GREATER than my former. I am experiencing the beginning of who I am becoming and I pray you let him work on you too.

Cheers to LIVING ON PURPOSE!

Liz