Snow days tend to be for relaxing, sleeping, eating, and binge-watching shows. I must say I enjoyed all of that plus some crying. I do not often cry about my mother’s passing because I tell myself I have made peace with it. I saw her moments before she died, spoke to her, and told her how appreciative I am of all she had done for me, and I hold on to nothing. So random shower cries about myself that lead to me reflecting on my mother catches me by surprise. But see that’s the things, my mother and I are not that very different. We share such a special bond that no one else on this planet would ever understand. My mother made the decision to keep me alive, she made the decision to push me out into this world, and she made the decision to keep me after doing so. As a mother myself, I understand this is not a decision that was made lightly. My mother was braver than I knew, she had more strength than I saw her exhibit and she was much more loving than she led off.
My mother was a beautiful woman who was raised by selfless women. My grandmother would pick up orphans on the side of the road to bring home to care for. My mother was the product of two unmarried people. Her grandparents one on side were a wealthy couple, and on the other were low working class. She was the baby of three children and was given the opportunity to be raised by her wealthy grandmother because her mother worked and traveled often for entrepreneurial affairs. My mother experienced privilege very early, a light skin beauty, with long hair and a slim body, all eyes were always on her, especially by men. And though I won’t sit here and try to go through my mother’s ups and downs in love, what I will say is, she always believed in love. She believed in it so much that she thought love would be the answer to all her problems, unfortunately it was not.
My mother raised four children, and each being a living witness of a failed loved story but the sovereignty of God on her life. I grew up watching my mother live a double life, showcasing happiness but living below her best behind closed doors. My mother settled but she did not have too. She accepted less than what she deserved. And she wasted her time on the wrong things. My mother was smart, she was a hard worker, but she did not see herself the way God saw her. She did take the time to love herself and be there for herself, she left that in the hands of another person(s) and that got her nowhere. Today at 31, I cannot judge my mother, I cannot speak ill on her, nor am I ashamed of her, I was her. All my dating life, I thought that the answer was finding someone to love me as well. I was wrong.
Finding someone to love you is second to you loving yourself. You are your biggest cheerleader. You should take yourself seriously. You should be your own role model. You should be the woman/man you have always wanted to be. Not attached to anyone’s dreams or aspiration but living life the way you want for yourself. My mother did not know any better, but I do. I not only consciously can call it out, but I also have the tools, help, faith, and self-actualization to be able to address it. I willingly want to break off this unfortunate way of thinking off my linage, to set the tone on what it means to love self-first. Not this trying to prove anything to anyone, not trying to be the most accomplished, but to exhibit/truly live out the ways of a woman who really cares about herself.
My daughter is a product of myself, my mother, and the women before her. She gets the opportunity to see something much different than I did growing up. She gets to see real love at home. No masking, pretending, or trying to live up to something, but genuinely a black mother loving herself and her family. My hope is that she too can live a life of love as well, that will pour into her children, their children, and their children. My mother will always be my favorite woman, because she birth a beast of a woman but she is also the one who made me want to turn my life around. My mother gifted me the opportunity to be the mother she could have been had she got her healing by encouraging me to be more. I thank her for that, I honor her, and I am a better woman because of her.
