“You are an incredible person BUT…”

“You are such a wonderful girlfriend BUT…”

“You are definitely the complete package BUT…”

…BUT ….BUT ….BUT WHAT?!?! Am I so different that I can’t be like other women who are able to maintain a long term relationship with a guy BECAUSE I’m such a “GREAT PERSON”!

{Disclaimer: I do not bash men, nor do I encourage it …ok now you may proceed reading :)}

It took awhile for me to finally let God build my character and it is still a working progress. After a couple heartbreaks I think I had a very nonchalant mentality on dating. First, I was dating however which way I wanted to. Made 1000+ mistakes on how I treated people and overall just felt like the world owed me something. I remember my fondest memory of loving a young man, and how out of his hurt, he spoke down to me. Then I remember this other young man who would buy his way through his lies. With each failed relationship, my heart grew colder and my decision were more destructive. Destructive to my character, my life and to my purpose. I remember being told I was a savage, I was poison, and a player. These stupid names that I thought were cool then but really contributed to my destructive path even more (which is why you should be mindful about who you let speak into your life). I was destructive because I was angry at being rejected. Have you ever been in a place where you just didn’t give two flying fig trees (haha who says that, ok I’m done). No but seriously, you just didn’t care because you were tired of coming up short.

You have no idea what it feels like to be rejected until you have experienced rejection yourself. I don’t care how strong or smart you think you are, if you have any form of feelings and care for anyone on this Earth (parent, child, sibling, mentor, spouse, bf/gf, a leader, etc), let them reject you or turn their back on you. I know that feeling. And it feels like a dark, cold, rough, [insert deep hurt dark feelings] place. I tried to come out from that place over and over again, but with each rejection, the destructive cycle started over. Let me walk you through the cycle.

Positive Me –> Meets Person –> Fun Times –> [Gets boring and I leave] OR Feelings –> Dates –> Something happens and it’s time to end things OR I am told I am just too good and things end –> In my feelings –> Angry –> Finds a rebound –> Cancels them because I’m back to being positive again.

Mind you this is a cycle of insanity, no wonder why I couldn’t sustain any type of relationship. Of course I should have taken time to myself to heal, worked on self and be wonderful alone. See in my mind I thought I was doing that by accomplishing success in the public eye, while behind the scenes, simultaneously partaking in my cycle of mess. When you try to balance brokenness and half building, it’ll all come crashing on you. As the Bible says, Mark 3:25 “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Meaning you cannot and I mean absolutely cannot operate in the best version of who God has called you to be by trying to be a whole person and a broken person at the same time. You have to choose either you want to live in your mess or you want to come out of it.

I realized I had to come out of it ironically when a young man asked me once, “Define your worth?” …I’m like oh that’s easy, until I went around in circles, answering the question like 3x. I could not define my worth at the time, I didn’t know it. And if I didn’t know it, how could I expect any of these guys to know it. Not knowing my worth caused me from the beginning to be destructive. It did not matter how pretty I was, how accomplished I was, or even how discreet I was, at the end of the day, I was the one to blame (not everything but for my stuff).  True, being in or out of a relationship/dating/having fun does not define who you are BUT it can definitely expose the truth about how you see yourself.

Let me pause here for a moment. WE HAVE TO OWN UP TO OUR DECISIONS! We can’t keep blaming someone else for our failures. They walked out on you, they stole from you, they did this, they did that ….BUT we have the choice right now to do better. This person or thing literally has consumed you to the point that you don’t even look like you used too, you’re not positive like you used to be, you’ve allowed people to feed you garbage and you just opened up wide and ate it. And please please understand I am not talking about people who may have been abused or something was literally out of your control. I am talking about your decision to allow someone or something into your life that has caused you to become a person you were not meant to be.

When you know what you are worth, there are people who cannot have access to you, places that will never or no longer see your face, things that you just don’t touch or get close to, habits you know have to go. When you know your worth, you are able to make decisions that are going to elevate and not harm you. When you know your worth, you are not looking for the affirmation of another person or chasing your next high to tell you. That is what I was doing in my destructive cycle, chasing the next affirmation to tell me I was not only just good enough, but to stay. I needed for my worth to be defined by the longevity of a relationship God never even told me to be in, in the first place. Creating a cycle that cost me time, money, health, progression, relationships, heartache, etc …

Knowing your worth is such a crucial part of your life… It can save you from laying down in bed with a person who is just not meant for you and ending up with a bundle of your decision (not judging parents, all love), it can save you from being at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people, basically it can save your freaking life!!!

Now what… ok cool you read the blog, you saw the emphasis on owning up to your own decisions….now what Liz? Well, I’m glad you asked. If you are ready, let’s get real with ourselves. Take off the mask and answer these questions:

1. What are you worth? (Not what others say, what do you say about yourself)
2. What are some decisions you have made that you blamed others for ?
3. Who are you still blaming? 
4. What is an unhealthy cycle you need to cut? 
5. Who is counting on your healing? (Spouse, children, friends, mentee, etc)

I pray that you are able to answer these questions honestly. If you cannot I hope you can begin to tackle the reasons you are unable to. Either way, take the rest of the year and on to become a better version of yourself. To grow up from who you used to be and define your worth.

Cheers to LIVING ON PURPOSE!

Liz

Featured Image: http://www.thepurplepassport.com/picks/palmbeach/Sight/worth-avenue-2/